I don’t think I can run from it anymore-the sadness is inevitable, natural, even, and nowadays the realization of my own life causes a certain restlessness within me that I can only chalk up to complete denial. I don’t want to be inside a human body, or any body for that matter.
I can still feel the pulse in my veins, although it feels as if I have ten million hearts running around outside of my body, threatening to rupture at any moment. Sometimes they do, and I am reduced to utter nothingness. Sometimes I find myself lost between the should’s and the shouldn’t’s, the can’s and the can’t’s, and of this world, I expect nothing.
I can’t help but feel the small rupture between my heart and yours- a distance that I can blame on no one but the two of us. I never expected anything of you, though I sometimes do wish you had stayed. I feel your presence with every step in this city, although I’ve never felt further from you. I would never wish ill upon you, I hope that you’re happy, even, yet I still can’t say I want you back. Most of my friends don’t even know what you look like so you’re all mine, and a terrible liar. And a sloppy kisser. And even a sore loser.
Of you I expect nothing, but I do hope that you remember how it felt to love me. Remember that I loved you.
But please, don’t expect anything of me.
My darling, I have nothing left to give.
It’s rare nowadays to find beauty in such an industrialized world when smoke clouds the air and fills your lungs. But driving down a road in the middle of the night and listening to an unknown song can finally allow you to breathe and see the beauty in the darkness; the girl who yells profanity at her beloved but knows she will always return to him; the face that appears in the smoke.
I have learned at last that happiness is not an obtainable entity, but rather a state of being, just as hell is not a location but something that you carry with you.
I can feel my own hell start to pass through the wonderful ache in the soles of my feet as I feel strangers hands on my hips and waist and remember when the only hands on my body were those of softness and familiarity. I remember you. I remember you from a time when your hair was as dark as the night sky and you told me every day that I was beautiful until one day you stopped and told me that I was too much for you, too much.
I remember the waves of hurt pulsing through my veins as I thought of my button-up shirts driving you away. I cut my hair the very next day because I couldn’t stand to be your version of me anymore.
And I am not, I never was. And here, driving through the darkness and feeling the rivets in the road and the stars above me pulling me away, I know that she is there.
I know that she believes I am. I am. I am. And I know that she will love the stars as much as I and that she will love my button-up shirts and the way I hold her hand. And I know, with complete certainty, that she is here.
He kinda hated you.
Not that you’re particularly surprised, though you did think he might be a bit more sympathetic to your cause. To be fair, however, there are people dying in other parts of the world and you-
you can have anything you want,
although you’re still just as terrified that you will equate to nothing as always, regardless of the water running through the faucet and the roof over your head.
Your pristine sheets seem to tell you nothing but of the ways in which your anxieties lie within them;
How dangerously they feed off of each other.
I know you’re trying to remember a time before you questioned everything around you. I know that you’re wondering why you exist at all, and how in the world it’s possible to love nothing and everything all at once.
To feel nothing and everything
all at once.
Remember sitting in your childhood bedroom, illuminated by brilliant streaks of lightning. Remember the drawings you made when you had tried to capture the light within your notebooks. Remember how you couldn’t, and wonder if maybe that’s why you still see yourself as a little girl with brown hair, bangs cut above her eyebrows. Maybe that was the moment you started doubting yourself.
When a little girl within a body that she cannot yet fill meets god in the middle of the night-
3am, to be exact, outside a gas station-
he might hate her and leave gut-wrenching words echoing within the deepest corners of her mind.
she must learn to be okay with that.