everything

I don’t intend on leaving this world whole

when I go

I had better leave absolutely shattered

into millions of pieces

so at least when it’s all over

I can know that I’ve given

all of me

so I’m laying all of my cards out

here

in a dimly lit kitchen

with all of my best friends in the next room

I hope you can see

how much of a mess I really am

I can’t speak in public without stuttering over my words

yelling “I’m a writer! I’m a writer! I swear I’m good at this!”

I’m a total social recluse when I have the chance to be

and you might not see me for a week

but I promise I’ll come back to you

if you touch me the wrong way I might cry

speaking of crying that’s something that I do

more often than most people pee

I hope that you’ll stay regardless

because I’ll take all of you any day

with all of your poly

all of your gross boi

all of your “don’t tell anyone that I actually have feelings, they don’t need to know that”

I’ll take your Brooklyn “fuck you”

if you take my Denver “sorry, sir, excuse me”

give me all of your army

I’ll give you all of my great recession

give me the palm of your hand

I’ll give you the flowers I pressed when I was 15

tell you all about my house that burned down

let your walls burn with it

honey

please never stop looking at me like that

I could swear

that your eyes

are deeper than the mariana trench

and no

no one needs to know that

but here we are

mixing your gentle

with my cold tremors

your chimney smoke

with my ash

the broken vase we shattered

is a full heart

glowing golden

it is all hell breaking loose

it is the sound souls make

when they’ve found each other

the second time around

so if you ever work up the courage to ask me

are we a thing

I’ll tell you

darling

this is

everything

Advertisements

michigan

there are parts of me

hidden beneath bike tires

garden hoses

that I cannot retrieve

 

pieces I could never match

to the dents in my porcelain

scattered across the ground

 

I love you

I love you I love you

forgive me

 

I dont break

I shatter

this is just to say

tw: sexual assault

I hate you

but

when I say I hate you

I really mean

you’re okay

but

when I say you’re okay

I really mean

I like you

I like you a whole lot

and when I say I like you a whole lot

I really mean

I love you

but

when I say I love you

I mean

I adore you

I adore you with every fiber of my being

I feel you when you’re away

as if I have another heart beating outside of my body

the strings I have yet to sever

 

And when I say I have yet to sever them

I really mean

you have not let me go

 

And when I say you have not let me go

I really mean

I can still feel your hands around my throat

I mean

I can still see the bruise in the shape of a hand on my left wrist

I mean

I can’t remember why I didn’t yell for your grandmother in the next room

I mean

I wore combat boots that day

I mean

I haven’t let anyone touch me like that

I mean

When I see you I am 15

I mean

I am still yours

 

This is just to say

when I say you let me down

you did not break me

 

This is just to say

when I say no

I really mean

no

the virtue of tenderness

Sometimes I wonder if you remember the snow globe

that I broke in your room when I was four years old,

curious, and desperate to see the world it held.

 

I had cried for hours that day,

Feeling such guilt and shame at my clumsy fingertips

as they attempted to pull it from your shelves.

 

It was a glorious shatter.

 

Afraid as I was, you were not mad.

You wanted to know why it had happened,

and when you did,

you told me that

you would have taken it down for me if I had asked.

 

It’s no wonder that your favorite things nowadays

revolve around

understanding.

 

***

 

You and I were born wildflowers in a field of thorns.

 

I’d like to understand the mindset of a man,

the twists and turns of ego,

rage.

 

I can feel some of it within me,

but I was born tender.

 

I cannot understand how gifted scarves

can turn to nooses

in mere moments.

 

Nor can I understand the piercing pain I felt last December.

 

When you break, I break.

 

I suppose.

 

***

 

When they ask you why your body wafts roses –

your face lavender, lemon, and honeydew,

please remember that their words mean nothing.

 

You were spawned from the soil of the Garden of Eden,

the fruits of Eve’s labors.

 

You were born into this world to be tender,

so please,

when they come questioning,

do not let the snakes that bind your wrists control you.

 

The image of Minerva that hangs from a chain around your neck

cannot match your strength,

your vigor.

 

You are the culmination of the cosmos,

the epitome of

 

Woman.

 

Hold that title with pride,

for your scars show that you have earned it.

 

You have bled,

wept,

rejoiced,

loved,

understood,

and for this;

 

You deserve nothing less than the world itself.