12:34

it’s true

I forgot how much

I like being

alive

I wrote this about the conversation that shortly followed the night that you drunkenly apologized to a christmas tree for having been cut down (a self-love poem)

darling

I am

everything

I found myself

a second time around

after all hell broke loose

on the mantelpiece

listening for the rasp

of my body returning from war

shattered

and prismatic

tremoring

we hotbox chimney smoke

below the pine tree

my first gentle

no one will know

I burn the homes I built in your trenches

scatter ashes

to fertilize gardens

grow trauma

in place of flowers

pick them in

late June

and with them my great recession

my Denver “fuck you”

I am no longer one for apologies

I have feelings

and everyone needs to know that

I know my poly

I know my gross boi

and

I’d take all of me

any day

with all of my gender-neutral bathroom meltdowns

and all of my how the hell did I get into this bathtub

all of my social reclusion

and nervous stutter

I’ve laid all my cards out

in that dimly lit kitchen

found that I

am my own high priestess

I don’t mind being shattered

I just need to know that

when I go

I’ve given all of me

back

to me

next week

when the snow comes

and I inevitably tell you

my heart’s murmur is back

 

take it as your own

through the cage

or down my chimney

I don’t mind

 

I give you my permission

to unmake me

 

find the space between

thighs

I used to love

let blood flow through gaps

 

peel back my cuticles

until my nails fall off

 

keep my teeth

no one’s ever told me they’re nice

but I think they’d make good keychains

 

file the prints

all I’ve ever wanted to be

 

nameless

lovely, dark, & deep; a photo essay

“best days”

image description: black romper and grey striped shirt hung on curtain rod

 

“cleanse, purify, heal”

image description: sage, selenite, and blue calcite

 

“books finished”

image description: “Darkness Visible”, by William Styron, and “Please Don’t Go Before I Get Better”, by Madisen Kuhn

 

“hero”

image description: emotional support animal, “Eve”

 

“4am macramé”

image description: macramé wall hanging with faux rose

 

“depression meal #1”

image description: three pizza boxes stacked on couch

 

“impossible task #1”

image description: bathroom sink with various items strewn about

 

“beautiful corpse”

image description: three dead roses

 

“depression meal #2”

image description: cup of coffee on kitchen counter

 

“books unfinished”

image description: “The Lifespan of a Fact.”, by John D’Agata and Jim Fingal, and “No Dictionary of a Living Tongue”, by Duriel Harris

 

“impossible task #2”

image description: dirty dishes in kitchen sink

 

“prozac nation”

image description: bottle of fluoxetine, pile of fluoxetine caplets

 

“depression meal #3”

image description: clementine on kitchen counter

 

“they say it tastes like mint”

image description: empty and full bottles of fluoxetine, measurement tools

 

“life support”

image description: documentation of therapy

 

“trying”

image description: sticky note documenting missed classes

 

“a change of pace”

image description: laptop screen displaying CU Boulder’s “Leave of Absence” information page

running red

every time

i mark

white

or

yes

wrong

yes wrong

i am

dreaming

 

raw

& lost

nicotine over clove; clove over nothing

two-cigarette walk

between yours & mine

three if you walk slower

& it’s almost as if

I can see you there

still

drinking straight from the bottle

the thing I know you’ll always love

more

than me

my heavy

& my golden

resting between your

index

& middle